//Hari ng Sablay\\

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

~*~ I didn't realize it still hurts so bad.

Perhaps what comforted me all this time was the uncertainty of the future. That maybe somehow, at another place and time, we'd find ourselves together again.

Now, that future is not merely bleak. It's all but gone.

All I'm left with is a hollow consolation - people change, people move on, and things happen for a reason.

And scores of fading memories just trickling down my cheeks.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 10:24 PM

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

~*~ Just when you thought you knew someone... you get the surprise of your life. Some of us, myself included, didn't think he was like that, though I had a bit of an idea but didn't think it could go so far. Others, especially those most concerned (the term victimized might be more appropriate), saw it coming.

And now the issue may have been blown way out of proportion.

Personally, I don't want to be judgmental. Since I've considered this guy almost a little bro to me, I was shocked. Well, people make mistakes and people learn; his biggest fault really was his failure to own up to his actions and face the situation like a man. But of course I don't condone what he did. In fact, I'm as indignant about it as anyone can get. I just don't want to write the guy out... yet. The next few days and what he may or may not have done will determine his fate, as well as some other people's. Good grief.

I took the occasion to do a bit of reflection (if reflecting over a bottle of beer is valid). It scared me, because he and I have things in common. It made me think if I had ever done anything close to what he did. Can't say i have, but it still makes me self-conscious as heck. Or maybe I just don't want to be the self-righteous non-sinner who casts the first stone.

In any case, it could've ended today, and by golly it should have.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 7:21 PM

Monday, January 19, 2004

~*~ I am not proud of the man I am today.

I wish I could go back to who I once was: happy-go-lucky, but responsible when the occasion called for it; empathetic; non-judgmental; generous, especially with time; family-oriented; optimistic; mischievous, but only in jest, and only in appropriate times; heck, I was even a bit religious and God-fearing.

Now, what am I? An irresponsible dunderhead; an unrestrained pervert; a compulsive liar; shamelessly tactless; recklessly impulsive; uncaring and apathetic; bordering on atheist; melancholy and pessimistic... I could rant on and on. It's just plain negative. Maybe I'm just stressed, maybe I'm just depressed, but really this is how I've come to see myself lately. It disgusts me, and I hate myself because of it. And yet I do nothing.

Only 21, and I'm already tired. So tired.

It brings to mind my little fiasco with a ten-wheeler years ago. I wish I had let it run me over.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 9:40 PM

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

~*~ Sometimes, I just feel... lost.

Like I'm left alone to wonder where everyone else has gone.

It's as if I've been put in a place where I'm in touch with everybody, but not close to anyone at all. I'm part of their lives, but only in their peripherals, or in the background or something. No one casts me out and to most I am more than welcome, but I somehow no longer feel any sense of belonging with any person or group of people.

I do not blame anyone... except maybe myself. Perhaps this goes to show how disconnected I have been from a large portion of the world; a huge chunk of myself I might have taken for granted, or have been sorely distracted from. And now that I am awake and self-aware again, this dawns on me. I just hope it's not too late to make or remake sturdy and meaningful connections with people. There are many who still mean a lot to me til today, in spite of distance or occupation; people I miss terribly. Of course there are people I would like to get to know better as well; and people who have recently come to mean much to me. I pray my foolishness of late will not hinder me from reaffirming and establishing ties.

So much for, "If you remember, you don't forget....."

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 2:22 PM

Monday, January 12, 2004

~*~ Demoralizing.

Relationships crumbling. People changing. Dreams fading. Memories wasting away...

I witness. And I am one with them.

So many words still left unsaid.
Countless tears still waiting to be shed.

And in the end, what's it all for?

Pointless. Simply pointless.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 9:12 PM

Saturday, January 10, 2004

~*~ It was quite foolish. I should never have even bothered. Why don't I ever learn? I've put myself through such tests many times before, and invariably the result was failure. But I haven't learned. And I'm not sure I learned anything from the last time either.

It's so pathetic. No, I'm so pathetic. Put me near something I have an inclination to and I'm inevitably drawn to it, the proverbial moth to the flame. Hmm. So maybe I did learn something. It's pointless and hopeless to put me anywhere near "temptation." I can never resist it anyway. If ever I want to get over something or forget something, the only resort for me is to sever all contact from that which I'm inclined to. There's no fighting temptation for me, only avoiding. It hurts to admit it and it sucks, but I am a weakling. And I don't know where the hell I'll ever get any strength of character. Time, circumstances, and the choices I will make will tell.

The strange part is, there are things I'd rather not forget. There are things I'd like to hold on to, and remember, for the purpose they served in my life, and for their importance, past or on-going. Even the sorrow and the pain that molded me somehow. It's just that I would love to carry the lessons and the epiphanies with me, without having to go on carrying the burden of the hurt. I know, sometimes you've got to take the good with the bad... but sometimes, though the discoveries are meaningful, the pain you went through getting them just isn't worth carrying all the way. I long for release... will I get it?

Probably not.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 4:23 PM

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

~*~ I have been so uninspired lately. I'm not even talking about just the lack of a deep and true romantic interest. With that seemed to fade all my literary vigor... I don't even know why I'm writing right now. I haven't been focused and studious with my studies all sem, despite the Dean's List goal I've set for myself and the added incentive of a new cell phone and a car. I can't figure out what's wrong, if this is still part of my break-up blues, or if all those therapy sessions months ago still weren't enough.

Or maybe I'm just a total emotional weakling.

In any case, I need to counter-act it. I need to find something fulfilling to hold on to and to strive for. Somehow, i think there's this lingering immaturity in me. And it keeps me from being motivated by the ever-darkening future that lies ahead for me in this country, and all the good opportunities that have come my way in spite of my past screw-ups. I need to find myself and my passion, before i'm buried in the heap of crap that's raining on this forsaken place.

And though i probably won't in the near future... I'd like to find that... someone. That someone who will actually make me want to be a better guy. Many girls have flared up my hormones, made me feel good about myself, or given me genuine care and love. But I realize that save one, none of them have really given me the inspiration element. Hopefully I find that person who brings the best out in me, as the cliche goes, and who I can also move to be the best person she can be. It's a longshot... like in Return of the King, a fool's hope... but it might be the start of something worth dreaming of and striving for.

Wake up, Migs. Wake up.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 9:26 PM

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

~*~ Let Me Be The One
Jimmy Bondoc

Somebody told me you were leaving, I didn't know
Somebody told me you're unhappy, but it doesn't show
Somebody told me that you don't want me no more
So you're walking out the door

Nobody told me you've been crying every night
Nobody told me you'd been dying, but didn't want to fight
Nobody told me that you fell out of love for me
So I'm setting you free

Let me be the one to break it up
So you won't have to make excuses
We don't need to find a set-up where
Someone wins and someone loses
We just have to say our love was true
But has now become a lie
So I'm telling you "I love you"
One last time, and goodbye

Somebody told me you still love me, I don't know why
Nobody told me that you only needed time to fly
Somebody told me that you want to come back when
Our love is real again

Let me be the one to break it up
So you won't have to make excuses
We don't need to find a set-up where
Someone wins and someone loses
We just have to say our love was true
But has now become a lie
So I'm telling you "I love you"
One last time, and goodbye

Just turn around and walk away
You don't have to live like this
But if you love me still, then stay
Don't keep me waiting for that final kiss
We can work together through this task
Or we can work through it apart
I just need to get this off my chest
That you will always have my heart

Let me be the one...

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 7:02 PM