//Hari ng Sablay\\

Monday, March 29, 2004

~*~ This semester has been a total disaster, in a lot of aspects. I could have done so much better, I know, I have a stellar first sem to prove it. But I was a wreck from the get-go, and I'm not sure why.

It's easy to use the life-changing event early in the sem as an excuse. It's easy to say that it was what ruined my focus and my drive for the rest of the sem. Maybe it did, or contributed at least. But it shouldn't be the excuse. It's really only reflective of an internal problem of mine I could never cure. I'm just too easily shook up by setbacks... I have the self-esteem of a mouse cornered by a cat... and I fall prey to my impulses way too often. If I wrote about each and every instance that I displayed these chaacteristics, i'd have too many entries to make my blog interesting.

What will it take? Another year off for soul-searching and guidance? More wasted time? More lessons painfully relearned but so easily forgotten?

I'm sick of it. Someone get me out of this hell.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 8:12 PM

Thursday, March 25, 2004

~*~ I think that at last, I have proven to myself beyond doubt that I am... free. Free from that disordered longing to relive that part of the past. Free from the desire to "possess" that which should not be "mine." Free from the lure of familiar feelings and sensations once savored. It seems that I have really moved on. I must still acknowledge, however, the danger of coming to hasty conclusions. There's still a chance that I might someday eat all of my words.

Moving on...

I can no longer recall the exact instant when I was enamored by her, but I've had my eye on her for quite a while now. She's not the prettiest girl I've ever met, or the most provocative, or even the nicest. But there's just something about her that draws me in. She is... beautiful, to me. And each day that passes sees her grow lovelier. (To those who know who "she" is... SHUT UP, ok?) Sure, this all sounds juvenile, and the feeling I have probably is. But that's the point.

People occasionally have what is called the "mental block." In my case, it seems as though I'm having an "emotional block." Lately all I have are your typical "schoolboy crushes" and such. Can no longer seem to go any deeper than that. OK, maybe this isn't such a big cause for concern yet, because I can't really say I've gotten to know any of these girls, even "her", well enough. Or on an optimistic note, maybe as I've grown and hopefully matured, I'm a bit harder to please now; that is, I won't fall for the cutie hanging out next door just like that or something. A good friend suggests that I probably just haven't found that special someone yet. And cynics would argue that I might have already found her, but I let her go. It's hard to tell at this point really. But it's frustrating.

I mean, don't you sometimes wish that a certain person would just be the one already...?

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 6:17 PM

Thursday, March 18, 2004

~*~ Steep
Lauren Christy

Softly, gently, I will let you down
Cause I don't love you in the same way now
I can hold you but not with lover's arms
Cause you are more of a brother to me now
And I can lie next to you, but I can't lie to you

So walk into the sun and watch me
Run into the rain,
For you the future's easy, so don't weep, for me it's getting
Steep

I loved you for exactly who you are,
And I'd say you've come the nearest yet by far,
And I can lie next tou you, but I can't lie to you

So walk into the sun and watch me
Run into the rain,
For you the future's easy, so don't weep, for me it's getting
Steeper and in the dark that's where I want to be
Deeper, I'm going somewhere you won't want to see...

So walk into the sun and watch me
Run into the rain,
For you the future's easy, so don't weep
Yes I will watch you,
Walk into the sun and watch me
Run into the rain drops
For you the future's easy, so don't weep
For me it's getting
Steep.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 7:21 PM

Monday, March 08, 2004

~*~ It's hard to write about getting over one's bitterness without sounding bitter. But heck, the fact of the matter is I no longer am. The sleepless nights, the contempt for the person/s involved and the disdain for the concept of love have all washed away. But with it comes a whole new perspective - one that would seem shocking to those who have known me for a long time, and most of all even to myself. And actually, it's what would make me sound bitter the most. Basically, the hopeless romantics of the world have lost one ally: me.

Romance now strikes me as somewhat overrated. As much as it can liven up one's life, it's not a prerequisite to happiness, nor should it be. I, for one, have rediscovered so many simple pleasures that I realized I sorely missed while I had a love life. Some of those things even make the pleasures a lover can give pale in comparison. Also, it's absolutely not worth it to go against the entire world for the sake of romance. That would be foolish, if not suicidal. There's so much more that life and the world have to offer, and there is a lot more genuine love where one neglects to seek it. Besides, the whole "you-and-me-against-the-world" thing really doesn't get you anywhere. It leads downhill - and when you reach rock bottom, you'll find yourself cold and alone in the dark.

I'm not trashing romance though. I just think it should be tempered by realism. I think that a meaningful love relationship has romance and emotions as its fuel, while realism and a rational mind give it purpose and direction. This is because I've come to realize that the whole "in love" concept isn't really enough to get things going. You may "love" someone "deeply", but if you're obssessive and possessive (or possess similar, destructive attitudes), you'll do your "love" a world of harm while depriving yourself of so many worthwhile things in the process. It's best to pursue a relationship where both parties are in the position to bring out the best in each other, without losing themselves, their individuality and their self-worth along he way. Of course, there are times when you've got to know when to quit; and times when you have to realize and accept that separation and a platonic relationship will do both of you more good than staying together "in the name of love."

Do I sound bitter enough? I probably do. I don't care if you think that way. All I really care about is enjoying my life as it is now, and telling the world how it is. And I sure as hell ain't ready to give this all up for that little taste of bittersweet honey just yet.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 6:03 PM

Sunday, March 07, 2004

~*~ Beginnings and endings have been springing left and right, all around me. Break-ups, reunions, reconciliations... even deaths (sige, sama niyo na si Halina Perez). Well, not just around me. I had one of my own... a short-lived beginning nipped at the bud.

I'm not really sad or anything - it's probably for the best. I may have jumped on it on impulse. Not that I never meant anything I said or did, but people have to exercise a little prudence in everything they do. And I guess you could say there was lack of prudence on my part. But it didn't end up bad at all anyway.

And there I was, worrying about having bitten off more than I could chew, and wondering if could find a way to end things on a good note. As it turns out, I didn't even need to lift a finger. I guess that was luck. But it reminded me of something I once lived by - "Let the world take its course; its magic cannot be controlled." Things don't have to work out exactly as you had hoped or pictured - but it will definitely work out. I wish I could believe in this again. It seems the first step has been taken anyway.

Oh well, back to relishing a life that I realized I sorely missed...

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 8:26 PM

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

~*~ I'm tired from all the work and sleepless nights, and stressed out from the pressure to deliver high-quality work. But that's cool. It's been offset by the newfound rush of appiness and cheer I've experienced lately. My friends would argue that I've never lost the smiles, the scandalous laughter and the kakulitan. But nowadays, this comes from within. And it definitely hasn't for so long now.

I'm not that certain as of now about what brought about this change. It could be the fact that I'm finally settling into and relishing the single life. Maybe I've finally moved on, and turned my back on sorrow and bitterness. Perhaps it has to do with the developments lately. It's probably a combination of all of them, of course.

In any case, I'm living it. I haven't felt this deep and genuine happiness so long I don't even know when I lost it, and I'm still reacquainting myself with the sensation. Yes, that's how pathetic I've been, but I'm happy, and I deserve congratulations and a pat on the back, from myself at the very least. I just hope it lasts. I'm in no hurry to come crashing down again.

However, if there's something about me that hasn't quite been restored, it's my optimism. And this leads me to fervently wish that this gnawing feeling in my gut is wrong.

`Cause it's saying, "Enjoy yourself while you can, shithead, the worst is yet to come."

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 7:45 PM