//Hari ng Sablay\\

Saturday, May 29, 2004

~*~ Sometimes you run into a person who is overwhelmingly attractive. Everything about this person seems perfect, even at first glance. The look, the aura, the voice... it's all captivating. The person turns your brain into a greyish goo; thought seems impossible, focus difficult, except on one thing - that very person. No one else seems to matter. Are you in love? You think you are.

But face it. You're not.

But that seems to be the mistake some people make, particularly those who have already fallen for someone prior to this striking experience. The person you just met made you forget everyone... probably including your beau, your fiancee or your spouse. Then you commit that classic blunder that breaks hearts, ruins dreams and shatter lives. And for what? For that so-called love. And then you realize you had lost the one you truly did love.

I never would've understood this if not for that Kristin Kreuk look-alike who vaporized the contents of my skull. The rush she gave me was unbelievable, it even made me forget about - her. It was only during the moments I snapped out of the trance when I remembered my true feelings, and got to think about the whole experience. At least now I know what to watch out for, and found another instance where the mind works hand-in-hand with the heart in affairs such as this.

Come to think of it, perhaps I should've already figured this out before, in a regrettable experience with my ex. I guess back then, the picture wasn't complete yet. It is now.

On another note...

Bah. This whole love and attraction thing can be so complicated. So many things can happen, so many obstacles get in the way, and emotions can be very confusing. And it gets worse as you move along the time line and mature. The whole thing is at its simplest, and is most highly enjoyable, during youth.

It leads me to think that we young ones (hey, c'mon, I'm not THAT old) should really experience and enjoy all the rushes at this point in time, while we still can. In the future, it won't be so simple or easy. People don't always get happily married, and marry for so many reasons other than love. While we're young, we can easily choose to be with someone whom we really like or love, and who feels the same. But when we're much oder, it'll be different. Very few get to marry someone they're already in love with; most marry first, and if they're lucky, fall in love later. They won't even enjoy simple love-making as much as we younger ones can (I'm not advocating PMS, but I don't wanna be a hypocrite either).

Anyway, so there. Much more to think and write about for later.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 1:49 AM

Friday, May 28, 2004

~*~ Finally, a chance to write about how the US trip has been. I'm currently at my cousin's house in San Francisco, and since I'm with family I finally get to stay online as long as I'd like! Nyarharhar. Well, not really, but the limits are kinda stretched. Anyway, let me give a run-down of what's been happening...

We arrived in Los Angeles Saturday evening, but the fun didn't begin til Monday, what with the jet-lag and all. That day was spent in Disneyland, where my sibs and I tried all sorts of rides (though my sissy of a stomach could only endure the kiddie ones). Some of the rides probably shaved a few years off my life, but it was fun. We also tried out 3D theater shows and got an inside look on how they brought their animated characters to life. I was pretty much getting in touch with the little child in me, and it was... liberating. We also got to cross over to the California Adventure park just next door, where the rides were simply too outrageous for brave and stalwart little me to try. Still, it was an eye-popping, enjoyable trip.

The next day found us at Universal Studios. We got to tour the movie sets and visit the many theatrical gimmicks they had throughout the area. We also gained some insights on how movies are conceptualized and made. The trip also had its comical moments. The Jurassic Park ride, for instance, yielded a priceless picture of my Dad's face contorted with horror. And my sibs, screaming with fright, had to drag me out of the Van Helsing Fortress (the walk-through spook attraction).

On a side-note, during those days we stayed with a family friend who happened to have two daughters. Yes yes, I know. "Migs, pati ba naman sa US?!" Anyway, one of them in particular was so damn pretty it was sinful. She's like a Filipina Kristin Kreuk (Lana Lang in Smallville). She had this quality about her that turned my brains into mush (Carmel, I know what you mean now). And to think no girl I liked or loved ever had that effect on me(gave me an insight on the whole infidelity thing though... more on that in a future entry). But anyhow, it was a hormonal thing, so it passed as soon as we left their place. Still, it was a rush.

This is getting long, so I might as well compress the rest of the trip (since that was how fast the succeeding days went by anyway). The next day was spent in Las Vegas, where my Dad gambled a little and we got to visit the wax museum. The figures were terribly realistic, even up close. And in pictures you can hardly tell the difference.

Then it was off to San Diego, where for the next three days we'd drive ourselves crazy with the assortment of wildlife we'd encounter. The first stop was at Sea World, where we were enamored by orcas and dolphins. Then it was off to the zoo, the most tiring and disappointing of all the tours we'd taken (mainly because of time constraints and the tiger that kept itself hidden). Still, we had a good time.

After all that, here we are at San Francisco, staying with relatives who insist that it's best for us to migrate here. Before, I would never have even entertained the idea. But now, seeing how this place really presents a lot of opportunities, and comparing that to the dismal state of the Philippines... I might try to do so one day, given the chance. It would mean giving up a lot of things, I know. But it's still a big "what if" for now, and there are still a lot of things I want to accomplish at home (again, more on this in a future entry).

Well, that's about it for now. It's been fun, and I know there'll still be more til we leave on Sunday. But really... there's no place like home. And I can't wait to be back there.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 1:59 PM

Friday, May 14, 2004

~*~ Good grief. Going through old songs again.

Still can't believe the soundtrack of my life is now often classified in the oldies section.

Last Chance
Allure

This is my last dance with you
This is my only chance to do all I can do
To let you know that what I feel for you is real

This is the last chance for us
This is the moment that I just cannot let end
Before I know that there's a chance we're more than friends

So don't let go
Make it last all night
This is my last chance to make you mine

I kept my feelings so deep
I kept my dreams of you and me somewhere inside
Although I prayed that you would see it in my eyes

But this is my last chance to say
What's in my heart before you fade out of my life
And never understand the way I feel inside

So hold me close, `cause it feels so right
This is my last chance to make it mine
Make this dream reality
So close and yet so far
Gotta find a way into your heart
Gotta speak my mind
Gotta open up to you this time
I can't let you slip away tonight

This is my last dance with you
This is my only chance to do all I can do
To let you know that what I feel for you is so real
So don't let go
Just make it last all night long
This is my last chance to make you mine

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 3:49 PM

~*~ Here I am angsting about the US trip again. I don't know, I've been inexplicably hostile to the idea right from the start. Fine, I felt some regret when it seemed that the trip would be cancelled because of my having to take a summer class for failing a subject. That may have sparked this feeling of animosity a bit, in retrospect. In any case, after that I was wishing I had been able to take those summer classes, if only to truly cancel this damned trip.

Right now I'm just thinking that maybe - MAYBE - I might eat my words, and actually have a good time, just like what happened with the Singapore trip. And I'm thinking about the opportunity to shop for trinkets that we'd never manage to find here in the Philippines.

But really, I couldn't care less if I never ever set foot on the US my entire life (unless it's the only floating mass of land left in the world).

I'd rather go to Europe. I think it would be a more enjoyable and enriching experience. But that costs several times more.

I also can't help but think of what I'd be missing here at home, from trivialities to more personally relevant things and people. Especially my mission of utter insanity, and the lovely object of that mission.

I wish I could just back out of the trip, get the cost of my ticket in cold cash and get to spend or save it. Heck, I don't even need the money. I could just ask to be left behind. I'd actually have more fun here at home, alone, and left to my own devices. Even if it means cooking for myself and stuff. I don't care. I think it's better than spending the better half of two long weeks in a car on some US road on the way to some state to see relatives who are virtual strangers to me. I'd experience more fatigue than fun, considering the amount of travel that seems to be involved in this trip. It's not even a relaxing tour.

Of course, I can't ask to be left behind and all. It would be rude. I mean, the rents did save that much hard-earned money to allow us to see the US. But really, my siblings and I still didn't have a choice in this. If I had my way, I'd ask them to spend that money on something more desirable or practical, or just keep it stashed for some eventuality. But no. That would be rude too. Boy, don't you just hate these "loving" familial impositions?

Blah. I just hope that I'm wrong, and that I end up enjoying the trip. I still think I'm probably right, but in this instance I don't want to be.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 3:19 PM

Thursday, May 13, 2004

~*~ People tell me to be optimistic. "Dreams are for free," they say. "And besides, you never know what could happen."

People also tell me to "just go for it." Take action. Risk big, win big. Don't ever wait til you end up saying, "I would have, I could have, I should have." In a presentation I attended today, someone gave this anecdote about a guy recognizing a pretty lady walking down the street as an old high school crush. He finds the girl walking hand-in-hand with some guy way uglier than him. Wasted opportunity, right?

Well, everything sounds good and all; in fact, I was quite inspired by all this pep talk for a while. Until I remembered that that kind of thing hasn't really worked for me.

So now I should tell "her." Then what? Whatever friendship or closeness I had tried so hard to get, I'll lose. I'll drive her away. All because I couldn't have enough and be content with what I've already got. I had to have ambition, high aspirations, free dreams to work hard for. Never know what could happen right? Actually I do.

Insanity can be defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a result different from that which you had already established.

Do I really want to be insane?

Maybe I do.

Is it worth it?

Maybe.

God, how crazy can I get.....

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 9:35 PM

Sunday, May 09, 2004

~*~ Funny how I'd been referring to last night as "the big night."

As it turns out, it was far from big.

I suppose it was a bit too ambitious to have tried to make the first step when I did. One has to admit the occasion was... inappropriate.

In any case, the first step may have been a stumble, but the journey continues.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 12:48 AM

Saturday, May 08, 2004

~*~ Strange moment today.

A good friend texted me a while ago (err.... technically yesterday), saying. "Pare, ano'ng mas mahirap intindihin - calculus o babae?"

I couldn't help but laugh at the queer comparison. Calculus and women? That's tough, since the former involves precise albeit complicated logic, while the latter involves little or no logic.

It's no surprise that he'd compare understanding women to understanding the most challenging subject a student could face, though.

Anyway, what really set me off laughing was the reply I nonchalantly (and half-consciously) texted:

"Babae. Life time ang mga lessons, graded lahat ng recitation, pamatay ang orals at comprehensive ang finals."

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 1:00 AM

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

~*~ Frances, here's the song I was telling you about.

Thought I'd post this. It has a lot of memories and stories associated with it already, but at this time I think it may serve me yet again.

No convoluted contemplations at the moment, anyway...

The Only One for Me
Brian McKnight

You say you've seen too many things,
that turn out to be too good to be true.
Against your better judgment, opened up your heart,
'til you found the joke was on you.
Looking out on the rest of our lives,
If we're gonna be together or apart
About the only way that I know how to come,
is right straight from my heart.

I want you now,
I'll show you how
I can be the man you need me to be
I've been around,
but now I've found
that you're the only one for me.

Say you'll never fall again
You won't subject yourself to such pain
If you give me half a chance I'd win
I'll never leave you standing out in the rain
But if you think that I could look you in your face and lie right
through my teeth
then turn around and walk away
Cross my heart, girl I care for you and when I look into your eyes and i say...

I want you now
I'll show you how
I can be the man you need me to be
I've been around
but now I've found
that you're the only one for me
I need you so
I can't let go
Gonna be all that I can be
I want you still
I always will
`cause you're the only one for me

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 1:38 PM

Monday, May 03, 2004

~*~ I Can't Make You Love Me
by Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
don't patronize

Don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

I'll close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feel
when you're holding me

Morning will come
and I'll do what's right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 7:08 PM

Sunday, May 02, 2004

~*~ A cousin of my uncle had a traumatic experience last week. He dropped by my uncle's place to see if he needed a ride. As he alighted, 5 stocky men (one of them with a gun) came at him from out of nowhere and forced him at gunpoint to surrender his wallet and cellphone. The hoodlums then made of with the money and the car in tow. He wasn't hurt, but that was a bitter loss. His wallet had around Php30,000 in it, too. Now he's got his garage gate laced with barbed wire, and his dogs roam freely in and out of his house. Dang, isn't anywhere safe anymore?

Well, it's a lesson to exercise extra caution even when going about the simple day-to-day activities. There are a lot of assholes running free in the streets nowadays. We're not even talking about the cohorts of suicidal Jihad warriors here.

I heard the story today at the house of the uncle mentioned above. I call him Kuya Egay, by the way, `cause he's not much older than me. Anyway, his mother, my lola, threw a party to celebrate her birthday, so naturally the whole clan was invited. And during the celebration Kuya Edgar came in with a sweet-looking lady in tow, introducing her as "Maila".

And in my head I thought, "Ah! That Maila." It was the girlfriend he'd been telling me about since the Holy Week, the girl he kept calling on his cell phone every night before we went to bed. It was cool to finally meet her, whom he'd described as the girl he wants to marry.

And that was the surprising thing about it. Kuya Egay, who's always been teased by the clan for being such a womanizer, and who never bothered to introduce even one of the many girls he'd been with to the clan. And there he was, confiding in me about marriage and introducing sweet Maila to the clan. I got to talk to her and she was very friendly, and as sweet as she looked, too. I definitely wouldn't mind having her as an aunt one day.

But well, the thing really was that my womanizing tito was finally thinking of settling down. Good grief. Never thought I'd see the day. He actually found a near-perfect girl, too. That's just fortuitious. Well, time will tell if that works out. In any case, it was very reassuring for me.

If he can find her, then by golly, so can I.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 8:09 PM