//Hari ng Sablay\\

Sunday, November 23, 2003

~*~ How pathetic can I get? Seems like no matter what I do I'll be miserable for it. And what's more fucked up is that I can't seem to accept this, hence more misery.

Soon I'll be forgotten. Soon I won't matter anymore. Soon I'll be a stranger. I'll be left just picking up the fragments of what once meant the world to me. And it'll all be for nothing. All because it was messed up by people who came along, screwed it all up and ruined everything.

Fuck life. Fuck love. Fuck everything.

Pathetic...

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 9:15 PM

Friday, November 21, 2003

~*~ Bittersweet. The past few days have brought myriad emotions flowing in and out of me, and that's the only word I can come up with to describe it. Bittersweet.

It was sweet. I felt myself flying back into blissful times. The mood was light, the atmosphere warm and pleasant. The activity was familiar and all too commonplace, and yet it brought the delight and wonder that can only be felt with a loved one. Like a dream from which one wouldn't want to wake.

But of course stupid, emotional me had to ruin things at some moments. Differences, issues, times, feelings and perceptions changed would be brought up. Then I'd be roughly dragged back into the present. The bitter present. Pain and disappointment come flooding back in to engulf what little bliss was salvaged. Like a bucket of cold water that douses the face of the dreamy sleeper.

It's my own doing of course. For my inability to stay true to my what I had decided. But then it was rash, and the sorry fact is that the added rashness with which I approach things can only make it worse. Can't right a wrong with another one, after all. It was also quite dumb of me to actually fall prey to denial... and so one can imagine how jarring and skull-shattering a wake-up blow can be. And that's what I got. But I still have to deal with it, for there is no turning back. I can only move forward, one baby step at a time if I must.

About-face.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 9:19 PM

~*~ Without You
Charlie Wilson

It feels like a lifetime, a thousand days have passed
by
Since I held you close to me
If I could see that smile from my friend
I know that I could live again
I need you here with me

Heaven knows what to say
Even though for right now you’re so far away
I hope and I pray
Somewhere in your heart I’ll always stay

Girl, lately my sun doesn’t shine without you
Never noticed what it feels like to be without you
Feels like I took my last step and my last breath in
my life ending
Had to say just what I was feeling, girl
‘Cause my sun doesn’t shine, sun doesn’t shine without
you

This is more for me than for you
Girl, I finally see there’s no substitute
For what we have
Do you know how much I love you

Heaven knows what to say
Even though for right now you’re so far away
Gonna tell you and show you
Do whatever I can do to get back to you

Girl, lately my sun doesn’t shine without you
Never noticed what it feels like to be without you
Feels like I took my last step and my last breath in
my life ending
Had to say just what I was feeling, girl
‘Cause my sun doesn’t shine, sun doesn’t shine
without you

Have you ever seen a flower that never blooms?
Seen a starless night without the moon?
Well, that's me without you
So come back and turn my nights into day

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 9:11 PM

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

~*~ It's been so hard to feel good about myself lately. Heck, to feel good at all. My head feels like I'm perpetually drunk. My body feels like I start the day running in a marathon. I absent-mindedly sing as usual, and I hear a restless toad croaking during mating season. I look in the mirror and I see wide-eyed, living, breathing corpse. My appetite is virtually non-existent (this could help me in some way though). Sleep, my only comfort, comes after an hour or two of tossing and turning and secretly playing the PS2. I don't know why I feel this way. Fine, it could be because of my obvious hang-up, but they're not necessarily related. Or I could just be in denial about that. In any case, it's bad enough on top of the 1.29 GWA I need to attain to make the Dean's List this year amidst the freaky and strict teachers I landed this sem, my seemingly deteriorating health, and the looming dark and dirty secret my family could be facing. (Hmmm..... I may have very well stated the causes for my current state of mind.) I could be whining and pining for nothing, of course, but sometimes I just don't care.

My growing cynicism alarms me as well. Just a while ago at the dinner table my sister was ranting about this audacious American writer in TIME magazine ("He's American, Lian, go figure...") who claims that the rest of the world holds the US in contempt because they're jealous and envious. I went on to tell her that they're the modern-day Rome, that this audacity and self-importance of theirs will lead to their bitter and painful downfall. And that all this hate and war-mongering stems from human's tendency to make sweeping generalizations. You know, "the terrorists are Muslims, so kill all Muslims `cause they're all terrorists," that kind of bullshit, fit for raving lunatics. This same thing that leads to all these racial, sexual and religious conflicts. Well, our Civ102 teacher said that by studying History we will discover what humans are capable of, whther for good or ill. He says that History doesn't repeat itself because we can learn from History. Well, I agree with him as far as Hstory goes, but not with learning from it. History does repeat itself, because as I had said in an old entry, human beings never learn. Humans are just too selfish and obstinate to do so.

I seem to have given up on the human race. Maybe that's why Im beginning to give up on myself.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 7:44 PM

Thursday, November 13, 2003

~*~ Healing
Color It Red

When I was young, i thought that all the stars were pretty
Until I learned that a twinkle could be just a lone star's ghost
And a speck's a speck, and no more
And all the beauty you thought was the world
Becomes tainted as you grow old

Why must it be this way, you ask me
Why must it be this way? And I answer
It takes pain to free the soul
It takes pain to free the soul
But then after the night, comes morning
To start healing

The lessons in life are often hard and some are harder to learn
But age has nothing to do with wisdom,nor wisdom with the truth
I don't have answers, I say to you
Only questions, and dreams, and fears
Though I always look before I leap

Why must it be this way, you ask me
Why must it be this way? And I answer
It takes pain to free the soul
It takes pain to free the soul
But then after the night, comes morning
To start healing

Blessed are they who mourn, blessed are they who mourn
I've always wondered `bout the truth behind these words...

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 9:29 PM

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

~*~ I wonder which is "true-er": Absence makes the heart grow fonder or Out of sight, out of mind? The quick, safe answer would be along the lines of "It depends on the person." So maybe the better question to ask is, which is better?

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" - the romantic's line. Separation brings longing for the fleeting bliss lost, making the reunion ever sweeter. It rejuvenates the element of mystery, as each and every meeting brings more things to ask and new things to discover. But what if the separation takes too long? Does fondness grow indefinitely? Where does one draw the line between fondness and forgetfulness? And if separation is the advisable move for everyone's betterment, how can this growing fondness help such an endeavor? Wouldn't it be more of a hindrance?

The "out of sight, out of mind" concept has some advantages. It is derived from the human principle of oblivion, which allows people to detach themselves from past activities to focus on newer, more urgent ones; and it shields the consciousness from the damage caused by merely unpleasant or downright traumatic experiences. However, it can lead one people to forget a lot of other things besides - things that were once significant, people who once mattered, experiences once enjoyed. The old gets covered up and buried under the new. And that is why so many people need a lot of reminding. Nonetheless, it prevents people from getting too hung up on the past, and lets them enjot the present and look forward to the future.

None of this gives me solace, however. My thoughts on this are as incoherent as this entry has been thus far. I can't help but worry, and think: what will I be to other people's lives? Will I be a cherished person forever missed? Or a past regret, a bitter but fading memory? And what will other people mean to me? Will old friends be buried under a heap of acquaintances? Will they stand out and shine among the rest? Should they even remain as important to me as they had always been?

I don't really know. But somehow I'd rather remember and be remembered in any way, rather than forget and be forgotten.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 11:22 AM

Sunday, November 02, 2003

~*~ Here I am in the aftermath of what was one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make. They say the right choices are usually the most difficult, so I'm thinking perhaps it was the right thing to do. And yet, I'm not really sure.

The decision, I must say, brought me a sense of peace. I felt a sort of release from something that, though it gave me some satisfaction, has left me feeling trapped in uncertainty during the last few months. I was torn between clinging to something that I inexplicably still believed in, and reaffirming my self-respect and thrusting myself out of masochistic martyrdom. In a sense, I feel... good. What I'm not sure of though, is why exactly i feel "good." Is it because I've been freed of a painful burden, and now I can breathe again? Is it grim satisfaction for a new lease in a single life? Or do I feel that somehow this story hasn't quite come to an end...?

Still, i can't help but realize the sense of loss this has brought me. At the moment it is more prevalent. It's as though I forced and strangled out of a huge portion of my heart the life that once dwelled within. Part of me feels crippled... and lonely. I breathe more deeply and freely now; but each breath leaves a slight tinge of burning. I can laugh, I can smile; but my lips are cold and heavy. I have bought some freedom, but at a most bitter price. Whether it was worth it remains to be seen.

I know there is still an element of... danger, for lack of a better term. I seem firm and strong in my decision now. I have forcibly shut out all longing and all regret. But I know that once I'm out there, all I have to do is lay eyes on her, hear her voice echo in my head and feel her touch on my skin; and my strength, my will, my resolve, will again be put to a most grievous test.

Shall I continue to bask in the warmth of the sun? Or will I seek the cold and the gloom, and lie in it contentedly...?

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 1:21 PM

Saturday, November 01, 2003

~*~ I'm not even going to bother being coherent or cohesive on this one. I just need to rant, vent and lash out.

All this time I've been determined to sail in the proverbial rough waters with someone. And I think that somehow I have. I have sought, with much sorrow and frustration, to keep the sailing smooth and help keep the other ship afloat as best as I can, in the ways I knew how. But that someone shouldn't dare sink me and drag me down, because I refuse to drown.

I have also been labelled as soft. Yes, I admit I am. But that is because I choose to be. It is the route of peace and self-control, of patience and understanding. Because unlike most people, whose harsh habits and impulses belie a kind and fragile heart, my meek and pleasant disposition belies a devil waiting to be released. I'm damn sure no one would want that devil to be unleashed, least of all myself. I'm not out to threaten anyone, but I only wish to reveal the truth behind a trait of mine that is apparently taken for granted.

It is well-known fact that I am in love. But the pain this love brings me drives me to anger and hatred. Nonetheless the fact remains that I am in love. It is as though the torture it brings is pure pleasure, and the very purpose of it all. And yet I feel the strain. And I grow weary. It's dysfunctional after all. And what must be done to something dysfunctional? It is either remedied... or terminated.

What solution I choose is still up in the air. Needless to say, the latter appears much more attractive.

...at every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss... - Paolo Coelho, "Eleven Minutes"

Migs, 8:41 PM